Dating a man who grew up without a father

Sit beside them on the darkest nights, the nights they feel lonely. Listen to them carefully as they lash out their frustrations about the circumstances they had no control of or participation in, but destroyed them badly, so badly. Because this is how you earn their trust, and this is how you show them you love them. If they give you the rare opportunity to look at how messed up their past is, how crushed they are on the inside, and how these terrible memories still haunt them, listen.

Remind them that they are enough when they start to feel insecure about themselves. But shake them off from their self-doubt and tell them that with you, there is no haunted memory that can bring them down. Let them hear a lot of assurance from you that they are safe, secure, loved, and protected. Persuade them into believing that they are capable of changing their lives.

Encourage them with all the empowering words that you can think of because they need someone to push them forward after all the years that they kept stepping backwards. Slowly teach them to accept their pasts, slowly guide them to let go, and slowly help them to stand confidently on their own two feet. Heal them with your love. Please take care of them, complete them, hold them tight, and never let them go.

Please promise to them that you will not go anywhere, you will not ghost them, and you will not be afraid of their brokenness. Be the person who comforts them when they are having troubles forming stable relationships with people. Be the one who rescues them when they are trapped under the negative thoughts of their fathers, and please do not get tired of them.

It is so weird to feel this painful insecurity which does not have a word of not having an example to walk in the shoes of, be it the way you walk or talk or maybe even the things you "like" but hey, we humans thrive in discomfort right? I guess in some ways it has set my mind free in the sense that i can think about things from a different perspective compared to people that have been taught to think a certain way because of their parents theory which sometimes i feel also has a downside bad trips with weed, i know anyone can have them but maybe extra sensitive towards it.

Im also off the weed because i had them often. Maybe the upside to all of this is that i have more control about the person i want to become instead of having absorbed characteristics and just "act" a certain way because i have learnt so. And maybe i should stop thinking about all together and just do life because blaming it on things from the past makes you unable to proceed in life right? To every man whom is having the struggle of not having grown up with, or still growing up, without a father: You owe this to yourself. I have a 4 yo son who has had a father in his life - we separated when we was 2 bc dad found a side relationship with a coworker more fun than family life.

I feel I kind of dodged a bullet there and we've remained friendly and I have done my best to foster a healthy relationship between them. I've made it easy for his father to choose a schedule that works for his life, tried to be supportive where I could, put up with constant changes to said schedule, which makes my end of things a big difficult and so on.

He pays no support, and not one month went by without major changes or omissions to what was a very limited schedule to begin with. I don't say negative comments to my son about his dad, but that doesn't mean my son hasn't figured out that his dad isn't like other dads even in the divorced families. Now I've limited contact lately and I'm not making all of the effort to be sure it's too easy for dad to blow it off - bc there does not seem to be a way to make it easy enough for him.

I don't agree to last minute changes or "hey, I'll take him Friday night", when this doesn't come up as an option until less than 24 hours beforehand on late Thursday evenings. I don't make it my priority to fill him in on everything and send updates, etc. He is a needy man, always the victim, tends to be depressive and anxious and rather seems to enjoy wallowing in it yes, I realize there are things to help out there, but he has to want to help , life is always about what he wants, that he needs support and love and, and, and He is great with my son when he does bother to spend time and will bring a little token gift or something now and then, but day to day doesn't think how the child is feeling, is he doing well, is there something he actually NEEDS in life, would more time with dad or at least consistent time with dad help him feel better?

My son actually didn't know how to answer when a young cousin asked him "do you have a dad? It's overused these days, but these narcissistic tendencies really get in the way. So, now I'm thinking that maybe it's better that my son isn't learning that his father's half baked attempts to be there are the way to be a father, that musical girlfriends every few months the coworker he left us for didn't last long are the way to have a relationship, that sitting and wallowing in self pity and victimhood are the way to live a positive and fulfilling life.

I certainly don't want my son to be fatherless and after reading articles like this and comments of fatherless now-adults I'm even more worried about it, but I'm also having serious doubts that having someone in his life that is so obviously uninterested in my son's welfare and long-term interpretations of fatherhood and childhood is healthy.

I may find someone that loves us both, that would be a good male influence as a father figure. Yes, it would be a step-parent, but I know many many many men that stepped in and stepped up and raised a child as if it were their own and truly benefited the child in so many ways.

It keeps me awake at night, this is no decision taken lightly, and I fully believe that a father should step up for his children, but you can't MAKE a father do that. He's an adult - there is only so much I can do and frankly, I need to spend the energy on my son and making our life the way we want it and not wasting that precious energy on begging and cajoling and orchestrating things to make it easy on his dad. My dad died when i was 4 due to him being alcoholic.

Till this day when I see fathers protecting their little daughters in public it touches my heart. We were 6 kids and my mum who wasn't well at the time tried her best to raise us. Everyone has a father in heaven. This is all anyone needs to be whole and live a full filing life. So stop feeling bad for yourself. It hurt a lot reading this. Every effect on this list has happened to me in shockingly grave detail. From bottling up rage for years to developing a dependency on marijuana then getting incarcerated for the first time at age Turned 13 in Chesapeake Juvenile Services that year and life really hasn't gotten better since.

I feel for all the little ones that don't have a dad or even yet a mom I am one of the few dad's that wants to be there for my son and his mom has it out for me As long as he knows in his heart I never left him but did so his mom then I am at ease What exactly is the best part about pain??? My father I hate him he left my mother and went to another woman she got two daughters and he stayed with them but not me I was not born yet this is upsetting I get aggressive with my friends sometimes its for useless things I have I feeling I must be depressed but my friends don't know and I hate my father and when I become successful in life I'm gonna show off and say "Oh I don't know him security!

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I grew up with my dad but he never spent any time with me or never decided to teach me anything or learn how to act like a man. I want to be confident as a man! Why do I feel this way. I have faced some of these issues growing up without my father being there much. In his case he would occasionally see me, take me for a burger as a kid or so.

But never wanted to spend time with me, all my childhood i tried to make dad proud and make him want to be with me more. It's easy to blame all issues I have on him not being there. Today however I often tend to think that my alcoholic father with depression and a lot of hatered would not have been the best person to grow up with either. All the issues I have had, I might aswell have had anyways for different reasons, and probably even some more.

Ultimately if a father decides to leave maybe the lack of love of a dad they see everyday would have affected a child way more. This is my first comment here. On September I will become a "father". However, the feeling is the same as I will kill someone or someone will die.

Let them know that their fathers’ failures aren’t their faults.

I meet a beautiful nice woman 32, we were together for 3 months, both wanted to have children and also she was having her health issues so there was really almost no "possibilities" to have one. I realized she is not mentally stable. From her panic attacks to her obsessive cleaning disorder. Not to mention that everything I done was wrong. If I moved a glass on the table on the other side there was a question "why did you move glass there".

Anyway she has support from her family, 2 apartments on rent, from material point of view the child will be fine. However I decided it is the best I will not recognize him as a father and since everything I do is wrong not to see each other anymore wit the woman. Yes, off-course you should hear also the story from the other part, but I did what I could, tried to be a father, explained her the children from broken families are more prone to have more issues, again arguing, huge one.

Anyway, for me it is the best to give time someone who will appreciate it and be the only father not in the way - ok this is not working lets split , if I will ever been able to go in any relationship after this shit. Will this child want to meet me? Will he ever understood situation? I have no one to talk with about this. My father took his own life at the family cabin when I was 7. The details are important but I'm not going to give them to you unless otherwise interested. Except I was never physically injured by him on purpose.

I can't relate to those who were so I won't even try. I've tried to study and figure out why I'm such a hard piece to fit into society. Nobody really knows what to think of me or do about my weird views. I feel they were formed by not having a father and forced to think for myself with no barriers. But that also means getting no helpful pointers off the bat so I fail a lot or get discouraged easy. Fathers day was the worst. Now I'm a father. A lot of the attributes I read above I believe are things I live with as well due to the circumstance that has brought us all to this thread.

I grew up without my dad because he passed away before I was 2 and it has had a effect on my intire life. I have looked for a father figure for years. I have tried to deal with this but not having any luck with it. I wish I could find one that would be glad to be a father figure to me and give me the discipline I have missed out on. I would like for him to understand completely and not be afraid to discipline me even at my age. He and I could talk things over before we made any commitments. Please let me know if you can help me.

My dad died of heart attack when I was 4 years old, of course I was sad about it when it happened but 13 years later, I'm really starting to feel the full significance of it now. I feel like I do have anger problems, little things tick me off and just build up inside of me because I don't know how to express that anger or release it, but if I do release it I snap, I feel like I release it all at once.


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My "fatherless" situation is unique to most people's because he didn't leave and it wasn't any of my parents fault. But I think it's still relevant because I feel like I'm missing key traits that a father usually gives. I think I'm a little soft and I lack discipline, since I only grew up with my mom. I want to take the time to thank everyone who has shared their experiences with growing up fatherless.

I am quite overwhelmed with the feedback and varying opinions of all my readers. I want to reaffirm the belief that although we are predisposed to the consequences of growing up without a Father, it does not have to define us. We all pave our own roads in life and ultimately our fates are in our own hands. Thank you again for all the support and spreading awareness of this polarizing social issue. I am deeply humbled for the individuals opening up their hearts and sharing their story with the collective. Well to start off this comment, my dad was sent to prison for drug dealing once when I was four and again when I was In my child hood, I grew up without my father.

All much friends had there father. My father had his father. My mother had her father. So as you can see no one around my life understood what I was going through. Seeing my friends fathers helping them with sports or supporting them through hard times would hurt me so deeply. So much so that I often thought of ending my life because of the heart ache I felt towards that. I really wish I was not the way I am. He tries to treat me like a friend which hurts and all I want from him is an apology.

Instead we argue and disagree on everything. I really wish I just had someone to talk too I hate this world. I applaud you for bringing up the subject. Paragraph we all have issues with anger especially young males it doesn't matter whether your fatherless or not. I can tell you I was abused by my father and I've discovered that being the oldest is a very difficult task to take the Brunt of it all I have PTSD because of my father the Catholic School and the army I've read a lot about this subject and try to educate myself so I could call myself self educated.

I've always been taught to promote peace but actions speak louder than words why can't we all just get along. I am 25 years old now. I don't even remember when my father left me. I have faced too all the problems that we discuss here. I run my family now consisting of my mother and grandmother. I want to share the good and bad things about fatherlessness also my accomplishments. Everyone who knew my situation use to keep on pointing to the fatherlessness all the time.

Their advices hurt me. Whenever I fail day to day, even for small things, I think its because i am fatherless. Thinking and crying why we deserve this. I understand everyone have their own problems. Yet, this negative energy tend to take me over. When someone bullies me emotionally or physically, a part of my mind curses me that i deserve it for being fatherless. I can't make close friendship with anyone as they would come to know all these and I dread it.

After seeing my mother's sacrifice and never give up on me attitude, I got the responsibility. Fatherlessness acted as a driving force of my life. There is no way to retreat from anything. I had to be successful. I got graduation in engineering. My mother and grandmother are proud of me being an Engineer.

I shared almost everything I could. After reading my accomplishments, isn't it feel good? Yes, but it is undeniable that the path was never easy for anyone including me. It was rough, painful ,filled with tears and shame. We have got to manage it. I believe that all fatherless kids should find their resilience. This is something mostly uncommon in kids with their fathers. We are independent to some extent. We know the worst side of life. I always think about my mother.

At least we have a hope on our future and can get married to a girl. What about our mother? We are her only hope. Think about it and work on your success. No excuses should be given. It its painful cry, never think of quitting. When I was only 3 months old my parents seperated, I didn't see him a lot because he moved back to his country after they broke up. He visitted me sometimes, usually once in a few years. We couldn't understand eachother well because we didn't have any languages in common so I never got to know him. The last time I saw him I was 9 years old.

After that he called me once a year on my birthday, but I never saw him again.

A few years ago we started emailing for a few months but I wasn't very happy about it because he was never there for me before so I decided to stop emailing him. I was in a restaurant when he sent a horrible text which caused me to have a melt down in public. After that I never had contact with him again. My mother isn't what I'd expect from a mother either. I cry myself to sleep atleast once a week. If you can't take care of your child why get one? A single parent can raise a child, but I can't deal with a selfish mother and an absent father.

I was born with both of my parents there for me and years later my dad cheated on my mom and left for a better family he was in my life for a few years after the fact until he shut me out. I have manic depression a. My mom has done everything to make me happy again. I was born because an affair my father had after he had his first son with his wife.

I only see him in pictures of me as a baby then he return to his life and got two other kids after I was born. It is tough not having a father figure. I cried my self to sleep many nights because of the huge void I have. I do not know what is like to have a father. I don't know what is like to have someone to look up to.

I have my mother who is as perfect as a mother that you could hope for. But still I don't relate that much to her. I feel something in my life is missing. And that breaks me. I wish I could see him and give him a hug. And talk about all my problems and my accomplishments to him. I wish he could be proud of who I am. I wish he would be there for me when I need him the most. But not everyone has what he wants. Need to fill that void that he has left on me the moment he drifted away from my life. And I feel that is just not possible anymore.

I'm turning 20 in a few days. I'm almost a fill grown adult and the void that he left on me must live with me thew rest of my life. And I can't ever fill that void that he has left on me but I'm looking forward to having a family on my own.

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How Growing Up Fatherless Can Impact Current Relationships

To do all the things my father couldn't do with me. To be for my children all I ever wanted my father to be to me. But Its never too late. I'm still hoping for him to come one day to visit me and catch up. But I know the damage is done. But one neve knows. We may build a healthy relationship and even hang out. But even he's in another city. I would love seem him one las time before it's too late.


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  • This article has touched me and I want to tell my story to other people who may not have a father in their lives and are on this page can know they are not alone in the world. I know this pain, I have lived with it all my life. Before I was born my father drugged and raped my mother which is knowledge that would haunt me all my life. My parents divorced when I was only a year old leaving me devoid of understanding the love that spouses have with one another toward their children. Instead I was a rag doll between my parents always in the crossfire when all I ever wanted from them was love.

    My dad raised me since I was 10 while my mom got to see me on the weekends because the courts unjustly deemed her unfit to take care of a child because of my father manipulating the courts and officers against her story. In my father was arrested for Sexual assault with the same drug used on my mom all those years ago and taken for 4 years in captivity. I was placed in the justice system for 3 years until I finally got out and my mother got full custody of me.

    When I look on tv and see the families all together with a father figure it makes me enraged for every birthday missed, every Christmas, Every holiday, even my high school graduation and college acceptance. During this time my mom became controlling and insecure with us living alone together invalidating my feelings and making me feel like nothing I felt mattered.

    I had no support from anyone going through my life causing me to grow up faster than other kids my age. I only have one thing pushing me forward, hate because hate is all I have ever felt for my dad not being in my life. I stayed clean for all my life because there was no way I could succumb to the sadness and pain, ever, I keep pushing forward because I allowed that pain to make me strong.

    I made the choice to succeed. I have a father, but he does not have any presence in my life. We hardly talk and if we do, we probably just say a couple words. I felt alone all my life. I only have a couple people to turn to, but they are now busy with their own lives. I try to stay positive and am hopeful for a better future.

    Don't be so hard on yourself, you probably are just confused and tired - pregnancy does that. I'm sure that you have found your life worthwhile. It seems that you have a stable financial situation and have made a home for yourself even if you didn't really come from a stable house yourself. Thats a real achievement and you did it by yourself. This is something you can do by yourself as well. It might seem hard or even impossible now, but at the moment you can not imagine the kind of love you will have for your child and you will give them a wonderful life. Men break our hearts, disrespect us and leave us to raise children, do we really need men in our lives?

    You may feel like you missed out on a lot because you did not have a Dad, but it seems you have had a life full of experience and growth, you dont need anybody else to do this, you will be great, you will surprise yourself and one day realise that this was the best thing to ever happen to you, regardless of what baby daddy decides. Women are very supportive, especially of women with children, you will find your world changes and there is more out there for you than you can imagine now. Best of luck with whatever you decide for yourself, you will do great, just like you have always done.

    Hi when i was 10 i am 12 now everyday i want my dad to just pull up and give me a big hug but i know that will never happen i can cry and wish but all i know is that i love him so much and my mom got together with someone i hate just people with dads u are luckier than u think to have a dad just remember that. I grew up without a father and don't even know who he was. I remember at about age 11 crying while looking out my window at night wishing I knew my father. After reading the dreadful stories about abusive fathers, I may have been the lucky one! I appreciate your article.

    I'm a father of four; three daughters and one son.

    How Growing Up Fatherless Can Impact Current Relationships - The Good Men Project

    I am fortunate enough that my wife and I have a good marriage and together share life and parenting. I know that my role as dad is an important one which I take seriously. Your honest article was both an encouragement to me in what I've been, but also a good reminder of how important it is that I stay legit and involved in my family and kids life.

    I do have a nephew who's been raised without a dad and has experienced most everything except suicide thankfully, or even attempted suicide that you mentioned in your article. I benefitted from your article, and am mindful that I may need to be more proactive in going toward him. I've lived outside the area and country for about 26 years and have just moved back to where the rest of my family lives. Reading your article has me thinking about my nephew, and praying about what I could do to be a positive element in his life.

    I don't feel responsible to fix him, but just wonder about being a positive element in his life right now. I married a man who grow up without a father. We have a son who is the most precious gift from god. As my husband grows older he has become more angry less patient and increasingly disrespectful. I have decided to end our marriage of 18 years because his behavior has become intolerable.

    Look, most people regardless of parents have some of what you have describe - that's life. I can introduce you to numerous people with two parents and those with only a father and the same problems. In the work place, I'm responsible for training significant numbers of people at all income levels. There weaknesses become evident. In the last 20 years, massively destructive cultural shift in the America.

    No wedlock -no committed relationship and no responsible parents. Even worse, child born in poverty means basic needs of love, care and education are not met. Be it one parent, two or a gay couple; parents must: What can you do? Millions of people have recovered using the ACOA meetings. They go on to live productive meaningful lives.

    You may not be an ACOA; however, the issues you are facing are in most cases the same. This totally breaks my heart First I didn't want to have children because I grew up without a father and I know all the struggle and the pain. I've talked about my problems, I had professional help and I was ready to open up for love. I met this perfect guy Who I felt deeply in love with I'm pregnant and suddenly he is acting like he isn't that into me anymore.

    This hurt like hell Cause it looks like my child is going to be without a father It hurt me so much cause it's my first child, I am supposed to be happy.. But I'm sad thinking about an abortion. I'm over the 30, I have a job and my own house I can give this child anything he needs But I wouldn't be able to give him a father's love I feel like I have failed and I just want to die. Cause no child deserve being born in this situation. I feel like a failed, I failed myself and my unborn child.

    This is not okay. She watched it happen and should have known there was a problem. Also he cheated on giants first wife while teaching high school alongside her, with one of his students. The girl was his daughters friend. His daughter was in the same class with that girl. Sorry, super off topic. I grew up without a father I've spoken to him 3 times throughout my life twice around the age of 5 or 6 but he was only around to try and get in my mother's pants again and once I saw him when I worked with his best friend at the age of 14 he didn't even wanna give me 2 dollars to get a burrito his best friend gave him hell for that and it wasnt intentional to work with his best friend just happened also I have faced all of these as well I have bad anger I barely passed high school by bringing up 4 f's in the matter of two days not that I'm not smart it's that I didn't put effort into it I've been depressed and had suicidal thoughts I'm 18 now and recently got my self out of my home town where I'd party often and just was heading down a bad dark road but I can honestly say I've changed for the better and still am but I still honestly get depressed out of no where often sometimes the whole day sometimes for just an hour or so.

    I lost my father a couple of years ago due to cancer, and I can't explain to you in words how bad it hurts. I'd do anything to get him back, and I feel like nothing without a male role model in my life. Facebook Twitter Instagram YouTube. Dad Leaving Son [Photograph].

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